It's okay for our toddlers to say "no"

Right around the age of two, “no” becomes a favorite word. “Are you ready to put on your shoes now?” “No.” “Would you like me to help you?” “No.” “It’s time to get in the car.” “No.” “Do you want to go on a super fun adventure that involves snacks and playing in water?!” “No!” Does this sound familiar? ;)

When toddlers say no, they are learning how to exert their will in a meaningful way for the first time. They are realizing they are their own unique person with their own thoughts and opinions. They are letting us know loud and clear that they are their own person with a strong will and personality.

When we think about the kind of human we want to raise, this is it! We want our children to hold boundaries, to stand up for themselves, and to be strong and independent. Why does this feel so hard at age two?

It’s all about balance. We want to give our toddlers plenty of opportunities to exert their will, to feel independent and capable, and to set their personal boundaries. We also want to set clear and loving limits that they are able to follow. How do we do this?

Make Transitions Fun

Transitions are often the time we hear the most “no’s” from our toddlers. This is understandable: we are asking them to stop one fun activity and quickly make the switch to something else, often less exciting. One way to prevent our toddlers from saying “no” is to make transitions smoother and more fun in the first place.

Following a daily rhythm and knowing each step of their routines can give them comfort in knowing what comes next and feeling comfortable with the daily transitions. Being playful can lighten up the mood and slow us down in transitions. Examples of playful transitions: “Let’s hop like bunnies to the car!” or “Time to find your shoes! Where are they hiding?”

Offer Age-Appropriate Choices

Choices are another way to help our day flow more smoothly and to give our toddlers a sense of autonomy and confidence. There are lots of choices we can offer our toddlers throughout the day. Choices are appropriate for toddlers when both answers are viable options. Examples of toddler choices might include:

• “Would you like blueberries or bananas with your oatmeal this morning?”

• “Which shoes would you like to wear, red or blue?”

• “Do you want to walk or ride your bike?”

• “Would you like a hug or a high five?”

While choices are incredibly powerful for toddlers, there are also times when choices aren’t appropriate. While it is kind to offer limited choices rather than boss our toddlers around, it isn’t kind to offer a choice when there really isn’t one.

Avoid giving options when there really isn’t a choice 

Pause before asking a question or offering a choice. Consider if you are really okay with either answer or the option you are about to give. For example, when you ask “Are you ready for bedtime?” is “no” really an acceptable option?

If there is only one appopriate response, do not pose it as a question, simply state what you want. Rather than ask, “Are you ready for bed?” you could state, “After this book, we are going to start bathtime.”  

You could also offer two choices that both result in starting bedtime. For example, “Would you like to brush teeth or put on pajamas first?”

When they still say “No”

There are plenty of times when toddlers still say “no” to the choices or statements we offer. These moments can feel so frustrating, especially when our toddlers say this on repeat.

When S responds with “no”, the first thing I ask myself is “Is this something that really must be done now?” and “Why?” Oftentimes I can give S a bit more time and with that extra time he is able to finish what he is doing, process what I said, and feels ready to follow my request. Other times he is saying “no” to joining in something that he just doesn’t feel comfortable doing, and it’s more than okay for him to set those boundaries and opt out.

If “no” really isn’t an option, I validate his feelings and help him to follow my directions. If he is tired, hungry, or having an off day, I will often acknowledge what he has said and repeat myself once before helping him. For example, if he doesn’t want to leave the park: “You don’t want to leave the playground and go home. It’s hard to leave. It’s time to go to the car.” I often then need to gently help his body: “I’m going to pick you up now and carry you to the car.” 

What we can control

While we can’t control how our toddler responds to us, we can control our response to them. When we acknowledge their wants and feelings, they feel seen. When we respect their boundaries, they feel safe. When we stay calm and confident, they feel secure with us. When we find a healthy balance of giving our toddlers autonomy and loving limits, we both feel better.

7 Phrases to Diffuse Toddler Frustration

Frustration is something we all experience. When we become frustrated, tasks that are usually easy become difficult, and calm responses become emotional reactions. The same is true for toddlers, but for them, it can be especially heightened. Toddlers are caught in a balancing act of wanting to do everything themselves while struggling to have the motor and processing skills to accomplish what they’d like to do. Our job is to encourage and scaffold their need for independence. Rather than stepping in and doing tasks for them, we can offer the least amount of help to get them started. We can offer them time and space for practice and encouragement to keep them motivated.

If we constantly step in and do tasks for our children that they are capable of themselves, they lose confidence in their own abilities and stop trying. If we ignore their pleas for help or tell them “you can do it, I’ve seen you do it before!” they feel unheard and misunderstood. We have to find a middle ground.

When our children are working through challenging tasks, there are a few phrases that I always come back to. Most of these center around the theme of acknowledgement, encouraging effort, asking questions, and being present but not hovering. Examples of when I use these phrases range from frustration over getting dressed to figuring out a puzzle to learning how to ride a bike. Children respond to frustration in different ways - some yell “I can’t do it!”, some throw, some whine, and some simply stop trying. It’s helpful to know how your own child responds and to recognize the signs as the frustration begins to build.

“I hear you.” - It’s amazing what a difference it can make to simply listen and acknowledge our toddler. They want to know we are there with them, more than they want us to fix anything.

“That looks really tricky.” - Along with letting toddlers know we hear them, we can empathize with their frustration. Even if they are struggling with a task they have done before or that we feel is easy, the best thing we can do is simply acknowledge that it’s hard for them. Because it is! Certain activities are harder at certain times - this is true for us too. Realizing and acknowledging that makes children (and adults) feel heard and their experience validated, which is a very important step in their ability to return to a calmer state.

“Sometimes I get frustrated too.” - We can even take it one step further and acknowledge out loud that we have struggles too. Children, just as we do, want to relate to others. Knowing that they aren’t the only ones who get frustrated or have a hard time with certain tasks, can be really helpful in diffusing a tense situation.

“You are working really hard on that!” - Part of helping a child with frustration is encouraging them to value the process over the product. We do this by acknowledging effort rather than only praising the outcome. When we put value in working through something challenging, our children feel appreciated for that effort, whether or not they get to the desired outcome. You can read more about acknowledgement vs. praise in this blog post.

“What part would you like help with?” - When we do offer help, we want to do so in the most gentle and unassuming way possible. Rather than assume what our children might need, we can ask first. This also helps them learn to ask for more specific assistance rather than whine generally or say “I can’t.” We can offer help after they’ve made it clear which part is actually causing them the most frustration, which also gives them a sense of control over the situation. When we do offer help, we can start by verbally offering assistance before physically helping. When we do physically help, we can offer the least amount of help by loosening a lid rather than opening entirely or opening the sock rather than putting it on their feet. This helps toddlers become more capable and confident.

“I'm here if you need me.” - Another way to offer help is to simply let our children know we are available and present without stepping in. Again, we don’t want to just jump in and do something for them, but we can be nearby so that they know we are “with them”. Simply knowing we are supporting them by being close by and listening to them can be immensely helpful for young children.

“Would you like to take a break and try again soon?” - Sometimes if frustration just keeps building, it’s best to take a break and try again later. This might look like putting the shoes on for them and giving them opportunities to practice more tomorrow (slippers are easier!). It might look like leaving a puzzle on the table and coming back to it after lunch or a nap. It’s never worth it to force something on our children, setting them up for increased frustration over time.

Try each of these phrases with your child to see what resonates best with them. Sometimes when children feel incredibly frustrated, they just need space to feel their big feelings. In these moments, I use the same phrases “that looks tricky; you look like you are feeling very frustrated right now. I’m here if you need me.” I do not expect a verbal response. I stay near and simply wait for them to look for me for comfort when they are ready.  

It is often very frustrating to be a toddler. There is so much they know they would like to do but don’t have the ability (or patience) to accomplish yet. These phrases offer solidarity and connection. When we can show our children that we understand, are there for them, and are willing to give them the time they need to gain the independence they strive for, it will relieve some of this frustration. This will make it easier to push through and keep trying in moments that are very difficult for them, which is a lesson we could all benefit from.

Montessori Tips for Self-Dressing

Most of us with young ones have struggled with getting our kids dressed. Once a child is crawling, the struggle begins and it can either get easier or harder when they insist on “I do it!!” As you can imagine, it’s a lot easier when our children have the skills to match their will. The more toddlers and preschoolers can do themselves, the more enjoyable the dressing process is for everyone! Keep in mind every child develops these skills at different ages, but you can expect your 3-year-old to do everything (maybe barring shirts) on their own.

Though getting dressed takes us seconds, it can take children a whole lot of minutes. This is the time we have to really channel our inner-patience. Set aside time for your child to practice dressing when you are NOT rushing out the door. Let them layer on those pants and wear a puffy jacket around the house in the summer. The more practice, the easier and quicker getting dressed will be when you actually are in a hurry. It’s also useful to make sure they have a step stool or chair in their bedroom and by the front door to sit on to get dressed. Additionally, hooks for coats and clothing that is accessible will allow them greater independence and joy!

I recommend introducing one item of clothing a time. Expecting a child to put on socks, shoes, pants, and shirts all at once is asking too much if they are starting at ground zero. Similarly, each item of clothing should be broken down into steps. For example, putting on shoes can be broken down into at least five steps per shoe: figure out left vs. right — open the velcro — slide foot in — put heel in — velcro closed, and then repeat for the other foot. When we are helping our child learn how to put on their shoes, we can think about those steps backwards. This means, if there are six steps, let them do just teh last step. When they can do that independently, invite them to do the last two steps - and so forth.

Here are some tips to make independent dressing easier for your child:

Shoes - We have found simple, single or double velcro strapped sneakers to be the easiest for putting on. You want it to be sturdy so that it doesnt bend down when the child puts their foot in. Shoes with heel tabs or teaching them to use a shoe horn can also help a child get their heel in easily. You want to make sure the shoe isn’t too tight. You can even have an extra pair that’s a size too big for them to practice with (and they will grow into soon!)

These shoes by Ten Little are pretty awesome because they make it easy to differentiate left versus right. You can also DIY with a large sticker cut in half. Last year, we used a different sticker method, with red dots for left and blue for right. Show your child how you first match the shoes to make the sticker whole or match the colors, and then put the shoes on the correct feet.

Socks - Socks are often tricker than shoes for toddlers. To practice the motion of putting on socks, let your child stretch rubber hair bands. They can even practice pulling hair bands over their feet onto their ankles, and back off again. When you do introduce socks, make sure they are extra stretchy, no taller than ankle socks, and maybe a size bigger than their feet. Again, start by only pulling them over their toes and let them just pull over the heel, until they get the hang of that step.

Underwear - These are easier to get on than pants, so start here first. Show your child how you find the waistband (that’s where the tag is!) and turn the tag to the back. Then point out each hole where each leg goes. As mentioned above, break this into steps so that they help with the last step, and finally, the first. This means they start by simply puling up the waistband in the front, then the waistband in the front and back, and finally, putting both legs in and pulling all the way up. Allso, make sure they are sitting down when they begin to put on underpants, so they don’t have the added challenge of balancing in tree pose!

Pants - If the weather permits, start with shorts. The shorter the leg, the easier to put on! It is also helpful to find pants that are roomy, stretchy, and have elastic waistbands without buttons or zippers. Avoid leggings until they’ve mastered jogger-type pants! We use the same step-by-step method as with underwear.

Jackets - This is our favorite thanks to the “Montessori Coat Flip”! Putting on a coat can be made a lot easier for toddlers with this trick. Lay the coat out so the hood/tag is at your child’s feet. Show them how to insert their arms into the arm holes and then stand and flip the coat over their head. Voila! The zipper or buttons can be a bit trickier. I’d recommend offering practice with dressing frames, which make learnigng how to button/zip easier with the fabric pulled taut.

Shirts - Shirts are often the trickiest for children to put on and take offf themselves. Again, start by letting them do the last step. Pull the shirt over their head and have them find one arm hole at a time. When they can get their arms in on their own, show them how to find the neck hole (biggest one) and pull it over their head. Then let them try it all together. It is easiest to start with short-sleeved shirts and then move to long-sleeve. Once again, it’s also best to make sure the shirts are roomy rather than tight!

Don’t Correct!

When your child does figure out how to get dressed, there will likely be a lot of backwards and inside out clothing. That’s okay! If it’s not bothering them, let it go and do not say anything. We want them to be proud of what they’ve accomplished rather than frustrated about not getting it exactly right. If they are bothered by it, you can offer the least amount of help to get it turned around or corrected. Make sure to acknoweldge how far they’ve come in their self-dressing journey!

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Calm Down Time

As a mom of a 1-year-old and 3-year-old, I can tell you that our days are filled with many waves of emotions. Young children experience every feeling wholeheartedly. They are working through how to navigate and regulate these big emotions. How we respond to these big feelings in the first few years plays an important role in how they express and manage emotions later in life, so I take my job very seriously. I want my chlidren to know that there are no bad emotions. Every single one of us experiences the whole spectrum of emotions, and they each serve a purpose. So rather than “fix” emotions, I want my children to embrace their emotions while also having the skills to calm themselves down. My role is to listen, acknowledge, confidently lead by example, offer comfort, and the tools to self-regulate.

For tips on navigating early toddler behaviors and emotions, see this post from when D was 14 months old, 18 months old, and two years old. In this post, I’ll be focusing on D, at 3 years old.

As someone who has lived with anxiety my whole life, I have learned the importance of the body and brain connection. If I can calm my body, I can calm my brain. The same is true for children. One of the best things we can do for our child is to give them the tools to calm their body and therefore their mind. Breathing exercises, movement, visual aids, and finding something peaceful to focus on are all useful tools. “Finding calmness” via mindfulness and relaxation techniques isn’t just for managing anxiety; it is useful for moments we feel excited, angry, hurt, happy, tired, or any other emotion.

Since D was two, we have practiced “calm down time” when she’s feeling big emotions and needing a breather. More recently, we have begun to implement a calm down basket. Currently, this basket includes:

• Breathing book

• Glitter jar (DIY)

• Marble mover

• Mindfulness cards

• Stuffed animal

Other ideas include weighted blankets, bean bags, yoga, and sand timers. When D was two, her favorite calm-down board book was this one. We keep this basket in our living room for whenever she needs a little break, or “time in”. This is not somewhere I force D to go, but rather a place she can choose to go or I can invite her to join me in. There are plenty of times we sit and do breathing exercises just for fun! It has become a ritual before rest time as well. I have reaped the benefits of mindfulness through these activites myself.

Examples of Situations this might be used in:

Tantrums

When D throws a tantrum (usually over not getting something she wants), my first step is listening and acknowledging her words and feelings. “I hear you. You really want to eat snack. We had our snack and we are having dinner very soon. I know it’s very hard to wait sometimes.” Even if I could give her snack, I don’t because we already set our limits (which she knows ahead of time.) It’s really important to stay firm on whatever limit has been set, but to listen to her and be there while she feels her feels. I try to stay close and not say much after my first acknoweldgement, besides repeating “I hear you”. I let her know I’m available for a hug. I make sure her body is safe, and if needed, I take her to our "calm-down spot” or I invite her there as she is beginning to calm down. There we can practice our breathing together or she can just sit with her glitter jar or stuffed animal. If she doesn’t want to, that’s okay too.

Hurting Someone or Something

All children have moments of frustration which can lead to physical behaviors. These days, D is pretty good at telling S “That’s my work!” and if that doesn’t work, “Mommy, I need help!” But there are still times when S pushes D’s buttons and she pushes him away from her toys. In these moments I first make sure everyone is safe. I say “stop” and separate them if needed. I first check on S and make sure he’s okay. “Are you okay, S? I’m sorry that happened to you.” I offer him comfort. Then I turn to D and let her know I need to keep them both safe so I separate them or remove the item that was not being used safely.

I then ask if she’d like to check on him. I also ask her what she thinks we could do to make him feel better. “Do you think he would like a hug or something soft to hold?” Sometimes I hold her hand while she checks on him or brings him a toy. When everyone is calm again, I remind D that we don’t hurt each other. “If we are frustrated, we can use our words and ask for help.” Either before or after this, I invite D to the calm-down spot with me. Again, this is not at all a “time-out”, but rather a place to find calm and be alone or together depending on what she’s needing.

Anxiety

When D is feeling nervous about something, I listen to her concerns and nod. I acknowledge her feelings. “You are nervous to ride your bike on the pump track.” or “You feel worried about me leaving right now.” In the bike example, I don’t force her to ride. I let her sit out and watch other kids if she’s not ready, and offer to go next to her if she wants to try. In the example of me needing to leave, I do leave but I confidently tell her I love her and I’ll be back in 30 minutes (usually it’s just a trip to the grocery store these days!). I always say goodbye and I always come back. If we are home, she can choose a comfort from the calm-down basket. I also try to keep something of comfort in our backpack, such as the marble mover or her baby doll (she takes her everywhere).

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Respectful Responses to "WHY??"

"WHY?" For at least the past 6 months, this question has been a constant. D, like many 3-year-olds, is wonderfully curious about the world. She wants to know why that boy is feeling sad, why the ocean has bubbles, and why green means go. Toddlers and young children observe and absorb everything they hear, see, and touch, and have an endless desire for information. So the short answer to why all the “why’s” is that they genuinely want to know. We, as their parents, are the experts. I learned this the hard way when I responded with an “I’m not sure” and was met with an alarmed “But you know EVERYTHING!”. This reminded me just how much weight my words hold, and the importance of how I respond.. Though she will soon learn that I do not indeed know everything, I want my answers to match the authenticity of the questions she asks.

So when D asks me "why", I give her answers. I respond in the best way I know how, and try to make sure my answers are appropriate for her level of understanding. There are times I don’t have the answers, but as mentioned above, saying “I don’t know” causes her to be upset and uncomfortable. I realized this response upsets her because when she senses I am uncertain about something, she feels nervous and insecure. In a world so big, young children see us as their safe harbor; their confident protectors. So instead, when I don’t know the answer to her “Why” I say “Give me a minute to look that up” or I suggest that we look up the answer together. This satisfies her curiosity while being honest that I don’t have every answer immediately.

One of the most interesting things I’ve found about the “why’s” is that she so often asks questions she already knows the answers to. After I thought about this, I realized she isn’t actually doing this to annoy me, but rather because she thrives on repetition. Just as young children love to sing the same song or read the same story again and again, asking the same question and hearing the same answer gives them a sense of comfort in knowing what to expect. Once again, they are looking for reassurance from us, their parents.

That doesn’t mean I always answer the same question on repeat. Rather, I put the ball back in her court and ask, "Why do you think?". My tone of voice is so important here. We want to ask them questions in the same voice we want them to ask us questions: in an authentic and curious voice rather than sarcastic or exasperated. When it's a familiar question, she usually enjoys answering the question herself. Sometimes instead of “Why do you think”, I get better responses by rephrasing the question with choices she knows the answer to. “Do you think that ____ or ____?” Often switching from open-ended questions to choice questions gets a young child to answer because they don’t feel put on the spot. Sometimes I’ll even give a silly response that she knows is wrong and then she will laugh and correct me. Being playful can be a great response too!

That being said, sometimes the "why's" turns into a test or game. The tone of voice of her "why" changes from curious to repetitive and demanding. Often children do this when they want our attention or to get us a little fired up. Again, toddlers test to make sure we are in control, and they so want us to be. So I offer an answer to D’s "why’s", but if she starts into the "why spiral", I let her know I've already answered and I don't have anything else to say about it right now. I then change the subject or ask her a question instead. I say this kindly but with confidence. This helps to avoid the spiral while also not ignoring or diminishing her questioning. After all, I want her to continue to be curious and inquisitive, but respectful as well.

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Freedom within Limits

Often in Montessori, we hear the phrase "follow the child”. This means we follow each child’s development, interests, needs, and abilities. Though we follow the child in many regards, we are ultimately their guide and not the other way around. Rather than give young children free rein, we give them freedom within limits.

“To let the child do as he likes when he has not yet developed any powers of control is to betray the idea of freedom.”

— Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind

Freedom Within Limits

Offering freedom within limits provides a comfortable balance between an overly structured environment and a chaotic one. What does freedom within limits mean? It means setting clear expectations and ground rules ahead of time, and following through. It means making and sticking to (flexible) routines. It means a secure, loving, and trusting relationship between child and adult. It also means providing age-appropriate choices and opportunities for self-mastery and independence.

Choices for our toddler in our Montessori home include:

• Limited but carefully selected toys and materials on her shelf

• A low cabinet (or now fridge!) with two snack options

• A dinner plate with several foods but no alternatives after the fact

• Two pairs of shoes or coats to choose from

• Options to choose sequence of events rather than event itself (e.g. brush teeth or bathtime first, but both are happening either way)

• Option to clean up a mess independently or together

Freedom within limits is especially relevant when we talk about letting children work in the kitchen, use real dishes, play with sensory materials, and have access to water. I receive many questions such as “Aren’t your floors covered in water?” “How do they keep their plates on the table?” “How do I get my kid to stop dumping out all their toys?” The short answer is freedom within limits.

Expectations / House Rules

The first step of freedom within limits is setting very clear expectations ahead of time. In our home, there are some “house rules” that we discuss often. This is something to think about ahead of time and talk to your partner about. What are the limits we want to set and what are the things we can just let go? I focus on safety of ourselves, each other, and the environment. I try to phrase things in the positive, and focus on what we can do rather than what we can’t. For example:

1. Water stays in the sink or the cup. If it spills, we clean it up. We can splash in the bath tub or water table.

2. Couches and chairs are for sitting. The Pikler triangle is for climbing.

3. We keep our plate on the table when we are eating. We can carry our plate to the compost or the counter when we are done.

4. Materials and books are handled with care and put back where they belong. If we want to throw, we can throw bean bags or balls.

5. We are kind to one another. We can offer gentle pats and hugs.

Preventing Unwanted Behavior

The second step of freedom within limits is prevention. It is much easier to stop a behavior from happening in the first place than dealing with it after. This often means staying close. I allow my children freedom and access around the house because I have made it a safe place and because I am there to supervise. I am not hovering, but I am usually available to stop D from walking away with her snack, or to stop S from dropping his plate on the floor before it happens. Sometimes though, prevention doesn’t work, or we miss the opportunity.

Consistency and Follow-Through

The third step in freedom within limits is consistent follow through and offering natural consequences. Once a house rule has been broken, I usually give one “try again” opportunity and then follow through with a natural consequence. For example, if D dumps water on the floor, I remind her that it stays in the sink. If it happens for the second time, she is all done at the sink and I remove the water source for the time being. If D pushes her brother, I first check on him and invite her to do the same. I remind her of gentle ways we can interact with each other. If she continues to push or try to push, I create separation and help her body move away from him, or pick him up.

I often use the words “I can’t let you _______. I need to keep you (and S) safe. We can _______ instead.” For example, “I see you want to jump on the couch. I can’t let you jump there. I need to keep you safe. Let’s jump on your stepping stones instead.” If she doesn’t respond or change her behavior, then I have to physically help her. I acknowledge her frustration and desire, but don’t budge on the house rules. We don’t have a lot of rules to begin with, but the ones we have are set up for our safety and sanity, and those we follow through on.

Freedom within Limits for Babies

Though much of this is related to toddlers, freedom within limits applies to babies as well. S can already make choices about which items he wants to play with from his shelf, or even within a basket of several teethers. He can choose which food he wants to pick up and eat from his plate. As he begins to cover more ground, he can access certain drawers and cabinets in our kitchen, while the unsafe ones are locked. He also has a big sister who is more than happy to remind him of our “house rules” as he begins to explore and test his limits. :)

What does freedom within limits look like in your home?

A Montessori Approach to (not) Sharing

Sharing is a tricky concept for toddlers. For one, toddlers feel ownership (rightfully so) over anything that is in their hands. Second, until sometime between two and a half and three, toddlers typically prefer to "parallel play", meaning they play next to others but not necessarily with them. Cooperative play comes even later.

Now that D has a little brother, is in a part-time Montessori program, and has plenty of social opportunities, sharing has become a more relevant topic. At two and a half years, D loves to be with her friends, especially singing songs or sharing snack together. She is even starting to enjoy more cooperative coloring, building blocks, or other group games. She understands that she has her toys and S has his, but there are blurry ownership lines. As she navigates these new social interactions, it has me thinking a lot about our approach to sharing.

As much as she enjoys playing with friends, she also finds a lot of “flow” and joy in independent play. Through focused play, D is concentrating, working through problems, and using trial and error. When she is engrossed in her activity, I don’t want to interrupt her flow by making her share. I want her to be able to play with friends, but also to feel comfortable saying no, and to respect when others do too. This often means saying no to sharing.

Rather than forcing toddlers to share, we can help them take turns, or ask to work together. A child who is working with a toy or material should be given the time they wish to have to concentrate and enjoy it. The child who wants the toy can be told "It looks like ____ is using that work right now. You can use it when they are done with it." If the activity is something that can be enjoyed together, the child playing with the desired toy can also be asked, “Would you like to play with ___, or would you like to play by yourself?” Modeling this language helps the toddlers to verbalize this on their own. You often hear in a Montessori classroom, “my work”, as well as asking to work together.

This is obviously easier in a Montessori classroom, where toddlers know if a work is on the shelf, it's available; if it's in use, it's not. On a playdate or at the park, we can follow the same principles but perhaps with a bit more flexibility. If D is playing with a bucket that another child clearly wants, I would say "I see that she wants to play with the bucket too. Do you want to play together?” If she doesn’t I would say, “How about you play with it for a bit longer and then we give her a turn." If she’s upset by this, I would acknowledge her feelings, offer comfort, and remind her that she can have another turn soon. “I know it’s hard to wait for your turn. You could play with this other toy while you wait, or you could ask to watch.”

With friend Marley of Montessori in Motion

If another child tries to take a toy from D in a public setting and the parent doesn't say anything, I might gently stop the action and say to the child that D is using it right now but she can have a turn next. Often D has already said that it is hers. If the child still takes it, I don't force the child to give it back but if D is upset, I say out loud to her, "Oh it looks like she really wanted to play with that toy too. It made you upset that she took that toy from you. Let's find something else to play with" and walk to another area, when possible.

Lastly, if D takes a toy from another child, I would say something like “Oh, he was using that right now. Let’s give it back to him and find something new. You can have a turn when he’s done.” If she doesn’t give it back, I’d give her the option to either give it back or have me give it back. Again, I’d acknowledge her feelings and offer her alternatives.

One could argue that toddlers should work this out amongst themselves. I agree, if they are agreeable to playing together. But in many cases, with young toddlers especially, I like to say something in this scenario because they are still working on communicating effectively. It gives her language to use herself. I also don’t want D to think it’s okay to consistently take other’s toys or have them taken from her. While I don’t think we need to intervene in every scenario, I do want to set expectations of turn-taking and treating others with kindness early on. Thanks to Montessori, I also place a lot of value on focused, uninterrupted play. If we are constantly forcing our kids to share, or making them give up their toys or vice versa, they aren’t allowed to find their rhythm in play.

When it comes to interactions with her little brother, I obviously do the talking for baby S. Now that he’s becoming mobile, the reminders go both ways. If D takes his toy, he doesn’t care at this point, but I would say “S is using that right now. Let’s find something else for you to play with.” Alternatively, if he’s okay with it, she can replace his toy with something new, which she often does on her own. If S starts pulling at D’s work, D will usually say something like “that’s mine, Booboo!”, and I will offer him a toy of his own. As he gets older, I’m sure they will choose to play together, but for now, D prefers to play alone, next to him, or to entertain him with stories and songs.

At two and a half, D is finding the balance between playing with friends, her brother, and focusing on her own. Sharing doesn’t have to be the answer. I want the choice to be hers first and foremost.

Navigating the Not-So-Terrible Twos

Last week, D started a part-time Montessori program, and loves it already! She is excited to go see her teachers and friends (and class fish!), and is happy when I pick her up later in the morning. As all transitions do though, this new start has stirred up some big emotions at home. She is clearly working through a lot, and it has resulted in less sleep and a few more tantrums at home. I know this will pass, but in the meantime I’ve been reading back over my favorite books and remind myself how to deal with some of these big feelings and reactions. I figured some of you might be going through similar transitions as school starts back up, or just have a toddler who acts like a toddler! ;)

I don’t like to call the twos “terrible” because they really aren’t. Yes, toddlers can be very difficult but it’s only because they are figuring out how to be their own little people. I think our attitude about our children plays a huge role in how we react to their behaviors. I know that it helps me to remember just how much growth and development is happening in their brains and body, and how much they need our love, respect, and understanding right now. I can better deal the toddler ‘tude when I remember it isn’t coming from a malicious intent, but rather figuring out limits, exerting their autonomy, and figuring out their place. At the same time, none of us are perfect, and we will all occasionally react in ways we don’t feel proud of when we are tired and frustrated ourselves. Cut yourself some slack and remember there’s always next time.

Below are ten ideas and strategies I try to implement in almost all cases of toddler behavior, from tantrums to refusing to cooperate to throwing or hitting. Maybe one or two will resonate with you too!

Provide safe space to explore - The more freedom a toddler has to explore and play, the happier they are. If we constantly have to tell them “no”, they will say it right back to us. Child-proof your house as much as possible and choose your battles. Save the “no’s” for when they are about to touch the hot stove, rather than dumping tupperware out of the drawer. Sometimes we all just need to get outside, which is full of safe exploration!

Embrace the big emotions - Toddlers experience emotions in extremes, and there isn’t much we can do to change that. Rather than try to fix it, give in, or tell them “it’s okay”, let them feel their feels. It can help to wait until they are calm to try to have a conversation. Simply offering a hug or a safe space is best when they are in the middle of a tantrum, while you let it ride out. Then when they are a bit calmer, you can address the issue if needed.

Acknowledge and empathize - Toddlers can get frustrated or scared about the strangest and most trivial of things. It is tempting to laugh or get annoyed, but I find it’s helpful to think about how it feels for them. The more we get down to their level and acknowledge how they’re feeling, the better they will feel. Acknowledging and labeling feelings also helps them work through their own emotions.

Redirect - Often toddlers need to get energy and frustration out and the only way they know how is to throw, hit, or bite. If they are throwing dishes or hitting a friend, we have to let them know that’s not okay while still giving them opportunities to release that energy and feeling. I might say something like “I am not going to let you throw that toy towards your brother. I need to keep both of you safe. If you’d like to throw, let’s throw these balls into the big basket instead.” It’s helpful to be matter of fact, while stopping the unsafe behavior.

Be a Confident Leader - This is one of the most important tools. Janet Lansbury talks about this a lot, - how toddlers are constantly testing us to make sure we are in control. They don’t actually want to be in charge; they want a calm and loving, but authoritative (NOT authoritarian) leader. When we feel out of control, they feel scared and more out of control. Being a gentle leader means setting clear limits ahead of time, such as how we behave at the dinner table. It also means setting consequences that we can actually follow-up on rather than empty threats. An example is, “when you throw your food, that tells me you’re all done with lunch” (and then end the meal). We can always offer another chance later.

Give them Autonomy - Finding opportunities for a toddler to do things themselves, e.g. pick out clothes, serve their own snack, wash their own face, gives them that sense of independence that they so deeply crave. Offering limited choices is a great way to give toddlers some autonomy, e..g choosing between using the potty or brushing teeth first before bed. (Just be careful that your choices aren’t “yes/no” or you will almost always get a “no” in response.)

“Do” rather than “Don’t” - This is a trick I learned from working at a Montessori school. We would always ask the children to “use walking feet” rather than “don’t run”. Phrasing requests or questions in a positive rather than negative way makes children much more agreeable and sounds less nagging. Another example is “let’s use quiet voices” rather than “don’t yell”.

Make Time Tangible - Time is a very tricky concept for toddlers to grasp. Telling a toddler “5 more minutes” doesn’t really mean anything to them. Instead, try saying something like “two more runs down the slide until we get in the car” or “one more book until bedtime”. The important part is to follow through on whatever limit you set! It’s even more helpful to have consistent routines throughout the day so that your toddler knows what to expect (this comes before that) without you always having to remind them.

Be Real - Sometimes when we are really frustrated, the best thing to do is to say so to our toddler. It’s okay to say to a toddler, “Mommy is feeling very frustrated and needs to take a break." Walking away from an intense meltdown (when possible) and taking some deep breaths is great modeling for your toddler. We want to show them that we all have feelings and there are strategies, such as breathing and movement, to deal with them. Additionally, you will be able to come back and react in a more calm way if you’ve caught a breath first.

Be Playful - The book “How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen” is good at highlighting this. I don’t find it always works to actually get a toddler to do something, but it never hurts to lighten the mood and get us both out of a negative space. An example of this can be in offering two choices - “Do you want to walk or gallop like a horse to the car?” Another way to get a toddler out of a grump is to play music, sing and dance around, or do yoga together!

My favorite books on the topic are:

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Tackling Transitions with a Toddler

After my Instagram post about routine cards, I got a lot of questions about how to make them and how I use them. I figured it was worth it to write a short blog post about it, and a few transition tips in genera!! By transitions, I mean shifts in the day such as getting ready for outings, getting ready for nap or bed, and cleaning up or setting up before a meal.

Daily transitions are difficult for toddlers, because it means switching from one activity to another (often sooner than they want). Transitions are also tricky because they typically involve multiple steps, which can be hard to remember, and even harder to execute. Toddlers do not yet have the self control or planning skills that we do, but they do have the determination. The more we try to hurry the process along, the more resistant they become. It can definitely be a vicious cycle! Though we are unlikely to make transitions a breeze, especially when we are dealing with an over-tired or over-hungry toddler, there are ways to make them slightly easier, and hopefully more pleasant.

Consistency

The best way to help toddlers tackle transitions is by creating and keeping a consistent routine. This isn’t always possible, especially as busy parents, but we can do our best. Toddlers thrive on routine as it gives them a sense of security in a big, overwhelming world. Keeping a routine doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing every day, but it means maintaining a certain rhythm to the day, so your child knows what to expect. You can read more about our routine in this blog post. There are of course days when routines are completely thrown off, and in that case, the best thing we can do is just let our toddler know, and talk to them about what we are doing as we do it, and give a little warning about what we’ll do next. With toddlers, it’s best to keep words simple and to the point.

Choice

Toddlers love to feel that they have some control over their life, as they should. Though we can’t and shouldn’t let them make all the decisions, we can provide them with simple choices that give them a sense of autonomy. Transitions are perfect times for these. Instead of asking whether your toddler would like to use the potty (giving them the appealing option to say “no”), we can ask “Would you like to read ____ book or _____ book on the potty?”. Another example is getting dressed. “Would you like to wear the blue shirt or pink shirt today?” Toddlers do best with only two choices, and avoiding yes/no questions altogether. Sometimes the questions are just “Would you like to put on your coat or would you like my help?” Sometimes D doesn’t want to make a choice or do the task independently, and in that case, I make it for her (e.g. I help her with the coat or help her sit on the potty) and we move on. It’s never productive to get in a power struggle or debate with a toddler.

Routine Cards

Though I’ve seen lots of printable routine cards online, I really wanted something more personalized for D. Each toddler has their own struggles with transitions, so it’s nice to customize them. Plus, it is much more fun for toddlers to see pictures of themselves and their house than drawings or cartoons! D has loved that part of it. Based on the transitions that we’ve struggled with at home, I made three sets: “getting ready to go outside/on an outing”, “getting ready for nap”, and “setting up for mealtime”. We go over the sets/routine together like a book first. Then when it’s time to actually go through the steps in a transition, we take the set of cards with us and go through the steps in real life, one by one. I like using the binder rings because I can take out or add steps as needed!

If you’d like to create these cards for your toddler, here are the steps:

1. Think about the transitions your toddler could use some help with and jot down a list of the steps (focus on important ones) that the transition(s) involves.

2. Find or take photos of a) the space in your house where task occurs or b) your child doing said step/task.

3. Download my template here!

4. Using Word or Google Docs or similar, insert your own photos and text into the template.

5. Print on cardstock, cut into cards, and laminate! (I use this thermal laminator and love it!)

6. Use a hole puncher to make a small hole in the upper left hand corner of each card and then group photos/steps together in sets with these small binder rings.

Songs and Rhymes

Lastly, transitions can be made more fun by songs and rituals. D loves books and songs more than anything so those have been helpful for us. Singing the same song at certain times of the day help our children know what’s about to happen. For example we probably all have certain bedtime songs we sing to our babies or toddlers to help let them know it’s time to sleep. While I often just make up little rhymes about going to the potty or cleaning up, This Reading Mama’s website has some great transition/routine songs to try out! Below is one of our favorites.

Transition Song from This Reading Mama

I hope one of these tips helps make your transitions just a little smoother too! :)

A Montessori Toddler Dressing Area

Who else did some re-organizing and purging after watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix this year? I’m pretty sure most moms I know have “Marie Kondo’d” some part of their home in the past couple of months. She is so inspiring! My latest project has been D’s closet, which was more challenging than organizing my own, but also a lot more fun. It has also been the perfect chance to create a space for her clothes that is accessible to her.

I’ve been wanting to give D more opportunities to pick out clothes and dress herself, and creating this space in her closet is one of the best ways to do so. Because her room doesn’t have a lot of extra space, I designed this dressing area to fit all in her small closet. It’s nice for a young toddler too because although she can access her clothes when it’s time to dress or put clothes away, I can close the closet doors when she’s sleeping or playing in her room. (If I stored her clothing rack in her room outside her closet, I would have minimized her options even more, and stored the rest in the closet.)

Here is our current set-up:

Clothing Rack - I have yet to find the perfect option for this, but for now, this will do. She can’t quite reach the hangers but is getting close, and can still point to what shirt or dress she wants. I like that it is quite affordable, compact, and has adjustable shelves.

Step stool - I set this up for her to sit on and practice dressing. She can access her socks and shoes on the bottom shelf to practice putting on/taking off. (We also keep a pair of socks and outdoor shoes by the front door.)

Mirror - This is D’s favorite part of her dressing area. I positioned it right next to the step stool so she can watch herself practice dressing or helping me get her dressed. The mirror also helps her develop body awareness and recognition.

Small storage bins - This pack of three fabric bins are perfect for storing her pants and pajamas. I try not to keep too many options in these bins at once, because it is that much more to clean up if she wants to pull them out! I encourage her to choose one at a time, but toddlers love to explore their options. ;)

Laundry Bin - Placing this next to her clothing racks gives her a place to put away her own dirty clothes. It also helps her understand the full sequence of getting dressed, and of how laundry works!

Overall, giving her this opportunity to play a bigger role in dressing boosts her confidence and sense of accomplishment. For many toddlers, transitions (e.g. getting ready for the day, starting naptime routines…) can be tough, and letting them help get dressed or put clothes away makes it much calmer and more satisfying for them. This is definitely true for D! My hope is that having this dressing area gives her the sense of autonomy, order, and satisfaction she needs, and helps her develop the fine motor and coordination skills to dress herself independently in the coming months!

PS. You can see the rest of her room in this blog post about our floor bed. :)

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Tricky Toddler Behaviors

I put some feelers out on Instagram to get an idea of what you all would like to read about, and many of you mentioned tricky toddler issues. I feel ya! We are definitely dealing with toddler ‘tude these days, and I know there’s only more to come. I wish I had all the answers myself, but I think everyone struggles with this one. I know it’s much more difficult for me to deal with D’s tantrums than it was with other people’s toddlers as a teacher! But I do appreciate having the Montessori background to reference during these times.

When D was just entering toddlerhood, I wrote this post, so you may find some helpful tips there, as well as our general positive discipline approach. Six months later, some issues have resolved and mostly they have just changed. So I’ll address a few of the tricky behaviors we are seeing at home, and how we are approaching them. In addition to my Montessori education, my husband and I try to follow ideas from the book Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, as well as Janet Lansbury’s work, especially No Bad Kids.

Clinginess and Separation Anxiety

D has always been a mama’s girl and loves physical contact, but starting around 15 months, she developed major separation anxiety and clinginess, even sometimes at home. While I know this is developmentally normal (it typically peaks between 14-20 months), and I’ll miss these snuggly days when she’s older, it can still be difficult to deal with. I know I need my own space sometimes for me to stay sane as a stay-at-home mom, and I’m sure many of you do too! I also think it’s important for her to have confidence in her own abilities, without always holding my hand.

At home, I find the best way to encourage her independence is to set up her environment in a way that promotes autonomy. For example, her toys organized and accessible, her dishes in her small kitchen, and water for her to pour and drink independently. That way, she learns she can take care of (some) of her needs without my help. Even so, sometimes she wants to cling to me at home. When she does this, and I’m available, I give her the one-on-one time she craves. We spend 15 minutes or so reading and snuggling or prepping food together. Then I transition to separate time.

Often after that, she’s more open to playing by herself for a bit (sometimes that means stacking tupperware from the kitchen drawer rather than using toys from her shelf which is fine by me!). I make it clear that I have to work/tidy/sweep for a few minutes and that I’m not available to play right now. She isn’t always happy about this at first, but usually once I start the task I’m doing, and she can still see me, she finds something to occupy herself. (Note: sitting on the couch on my phone does not count!) I don’t stop her from standing close to me and observing, or standing at the kitchen helper when I’m cooking, but I do set limits on picking her up or her being on me during these moments, because sometimes I just can’t! I think it’s important for her to learn this boundary, and that sometimes we have to wait a little bit for what we really want.

As for separation anxiety when we are out or when I am leaving, this is just a part of who she is right now. I know D is usually going to have a hard time going somewhere new and/or watching me leave, and that’s okay. I accept her feelings and let her know I see them. I try to make her more comfortable with new people and situations by talking her through it and staying together as she eases in. But when it’s time for me to leave or step away, I confidently and concisely tell her so, and that I’ll be back soon and that I love her. Although it may seem better to sneak away when they are distracted, I know from working with toddlers in a classroom that it only confuses and upsets them more more. So I always say goodbye and kiss her and she often cries out, but stops once I’m out the door. Most importantly she sees over and over that I always come back. That is what really matters! This phase won’t last forever.

Throwing at Mealtimes

This is an issue that seems to come and go throughout the infant and toddler years. Over the past month, D has gotten in a habit of throwing her glass (or similar) off the table. It started on vacation, when her routine and environment were all mixed up, and unfortunately it’s continued since we’ve been home. My knee-jerk reaction is often to react with emotion, but it helps me to remember that it’s that exact reaction she’s hoping for, and isn’t helpful right now.

The best way I’ve found to stop the throwing is to catch it before it happens. Sitting down with her at meals helps me to pay attention to signs that she’s all done, not hungry, and possibly ready to throw. Sometimes just giving her that focused attention can prevent attention-seeking behavior, sometimes not. When I see signs she’s done eating I ask her if she’s all done and often she signs it back to me. If she says or signs “more”, I give it a little more time but keep an eye on it because sometimes she still throws. If I can, I stop the throw with my hand and say “I can’t let you throw your glass” before it happens, but I’m not always fast enough.

If she does throw her glass, I tell her “It looks like you’re all done. You can tell me “all done”. We don’t throw glasses. Let’s clean it up”. I take her out of her chair and have her help me wipe up the water or pick up the glass. I try to keep my reaction neutral rather than scolding. I want her to simply understand that there are natural consequences to throwing, e.g. mealtime is over and she will need to clean it up, I tell her we can try again later. Sometimes she gets pretty upset when I remove her from the chair, but this passes fairly quickly too. I let her snuggle if she needs comfort and we usually are able to move on without too much drama. The more consistent we are, the better. Toddlers thrive on us being firm, consistent, and loving. Not that it’s always easy!

Note: throwing is a normal toddler behavior, and throwing can be useful for getting out pent up energy. It can help to redirect throwing to things like balls in a basket at home!

Big Emotions & Tantrums

We all know that toddlers have big emotions and strong opinions. I like the quote from Positive Discipline (linked above): “The very same qualities we want for our children as adults can make life challenging when they’re young.” So true! The irony is depicted well in the cartoon below. We don’t need to take the passion out of the toddler, we just have to help them learn how to work through it in an appropriate way. I myself feel big emotions sometimes, and I want D to be able to feel all her feels too, from the high highs to low lows.

The low lows can be really hard though. I know D often melts down when she’s overtired, hungry, or hasn’t had a chance to exert her independence in a while. There is almost no way I will budge her nap or bedtime because of this. Yet even in seemingly perfect circumstances, even when choices have been offered and tummies have been fed, tantrums happen. Often when she doesn’t get something she wants. When they happen at our house, I first give D a chance to feel the feels. (If this is out of the house, I would probably remove her from public situation first). I stay close by and help her identify her emotions, e.g. “I see you are frustrated/sad/angry because….” Sometimes we don’t know why they are upset and we don’t have to make up a reason for them. I don’t say much while she’s upset, but I offer her a hug when she’s ready for it.

Once she’s calmed down, we might read a book or play together for a bit. Importantly, I don’t give in to whatever it was she wanted when the tantrum began. Limits are important for toddlers. When she’s a bit older, I’ll discuss more with her, but at this age, too many words can be confusing, especially after the event has passed. I do try to teach her strategies to deal with feeling upset. One of my favorite board books for toddlers is called Calm Down Time, so we read that together sometimes. Yoga is another great way to provide calm-down strategies for toddlers! It has also helped to give her words/signs to use when she needs something such as “help”, “eat”, “up”, and “please”.

Those are some of our tricky toddler behaviors and strategies for dealing with them! I am sure some of you have similar issues and others of you have entirely different ones. Feel free to reach out! I’d love to do a part II. ;)

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

A Respectful Intro to Toddlerhood

Despite my wishes for D to stay a baby forever, she has other plans in mind. The toddler is emerging. It turns out you can have toddler 'tude without toddler steps. ;) The most recent "tricky" toddler behaviors we've been seeing are: throwing food off the table, pinching or hitting us, tantrums when something isn't available (like our dog's water bowl), or not getting what she wants (like being picked up right away).  

Unsurprisingly, I've found that the easiest and best way to deal with difficult behaviors is to prevent them from happening in the first place. Providing a predictable schedule, making sure she's slept enough, eating frequently and nutritiously, and giving her plenty of one-on-one time to help her overall happiness. I also find she gets less frustrated when we have child-proofed our home while making it accessible for her, meaning minimal dangers or off-limits. The also means we don’t have to say no to her more often than necessary, as the more toddlers hear the word no, the more they say it right back. ;) 

D is also more content when she is able to participate in our activities. Little things like giving her opportunities to pick out her diaper before changing, hold onto the grocery list in the shopping cart, or help unload the spoons from the dishwasher often (not always) prevent a meltdown. Limited options (just 2 at this age) also give her a small sense of autonomy which can be really helpful for both of us. Examples: "Do you want to read the truck book or the color book?", "Do you want to drink your water or start with your zucchini?", "Do you want me to pick you up or crawl over to me?" At this point she can usually point or nod to indicate preferences. 

Of course even if all her needs have been met and we've given her opportunities for autonomy, she is still entering toddlerhood, where emotions are high, impulse control is low, and the need to exert her will is just beginning. She is at the age where she is learning to be her own independent person, and tantrums and testing are part of the process! And after working in a classroom of toddlers, I know this is just the beginning of a wild ride. She just needs to know I love her through it all. 

Most of my reading on this topic has been Janet Lansbury's respectful parenting philosophy and Positive discipline techniques we used in the Montessori classroom. No Bad Kids and Positive Discipline are both useful books if you're going this route. Based on these ideas, when D does exert her toddler will, these are some of the steps we take at home. 

1. Remain calm. I've found this is one of the most important (but difficult) components. I have to remember not to take D's behavior personally. She is trying out behaviors with me because she trusts and loves me, and therefore feels safe to experiment. When I remember that, it's easier to stay calm and let the storm pass. We try to avoid reacting with "ow!" or "no!" unless she's in danger (or when she hurts us and it's instinctive!), because those give her the reactions she's hoping for.

2. If throwing/hitting/etc, stop the behavior with my hand or remove her from the unsafe situation gently. Let her feel her feels.

3. Acknowledge, accept, and respect her feelings and frustrations without trying to fix or distract. Keeping the wording simple seems to be best when she's worked up. We try not to focus too much attention on the negative behavior. I usually say something like "I know you really want to ______ and I couldn't let you _______ because _____. I see you are very upset/sad/frustrated about that."

4. Once she has (hopefully) calmed down a bit, provide comfort and offer safe/acceptable alternatives. See specific examples below.

Respectful Ways to deal with Specific Tricky Toddler Issues:

Pinching/hitting: Again, I have to remember not to take this personally, because she is simply testing and looking for reactions. Toddlers want attention, good or bad. She often pinches when she's overtired and I'm holding her. When she does, I take her hand away and hold it. I say "I won't let you pinch me because that hurts", and leave it at that as to not draw too much attention to the negative behavior. I might demonstrate a nice pat or hug. If she keeps trying to pinch/hit, I'll ignore the behavior and place her down on the floor for a minute so she can't keep going. Of course this makes her upset but she soon gets the point. 

Throwing Food: This requires sitting with D throughout mealtimes. When D begins to throw food, I stop her hand and say "I can't let you throw that food. Food stays on the table." I then show her how to put her food in a different small bowl on the table, or let her hand it to me. She usually wants to throw food she doesn't want to eat, so offering an alternative place to put it can be helpful. If she throws and I don't catch it, I just try to ignore it. If she keeps trying to toss her food on the floor, it shows me she isn't that hungry so we sign "all done" and end mealtime. Additionally, we give her other throwing opportunities with balls, etc during playtime. 

Tantrum over not getting to play with something: The most recent example of this is a large box fan we had in our living room. She really wanted to play with it, but it wasn't safe for her little fingers. When she started to touch it, I picked her up and took her away from it, saying "I can't let you play with the fan, it's not safe." She arched her back and squirmed and cried. I acknowledged that it made her upset when I removed her from the fan and let her be upset for a few minutes. I offered snuggles and a book. Then I showed her a couple of other toys to choose between. (I also relocated the fan so it wouldn't be an issue again. With objects that can't be removed, it might take quite a few reminders before they are able to stop trying to touch it, but it will eventually happen.)

Tantrum over wanting to be held: This is a really common one for us while I'm trying to prep food for D. I start to cook or simply put food on her plate, and she throws herself on the floor at my feet, wanting to be held or eat the food immediately. I can sometimes prevent this by wearing her on my back so she can see the food being made. Better yet, my husband is going to build her a learning tower so she can watch and participate more, which will likely help a lot. In the meantime, when she starts to melt down, I tell her I hear her frustration and I let her feel the feels and explain that I need a few more minutes to finish prepping her food. (I hurry) and when I'm ready to pick her up or give her the food, I then remind her of the signs for "help", "up", or "eat", so she can at least learn to communicate in a more effective way than screaming. 

Who knows what the next phase of toddlerhood will bring! Luckily I love this one to the moon and back. 

What strategies do you find helpful (or not) with the toddler 'tude?