"Me First!": From Sibling Competition to Collaboration

A few phrases I hear on the regular include: “Get me out first!”, “No, I’m sitting next to mommy!”, “Read MY book first!”

On the surface, it seems so silly for the kids to be arguing over who is going to get unbuckled from their car seat first or who gets to sit on my left side on the couch. It can be challenging to be patient in these moments. But when I dig deeper (which I tend to do when lying in bed at night), I can usually get to the root of all of these seemingly petty arguments. Once I understand the cause, I can better handle both the situation and my own response.

The common thread among these “me first” arguments is a yearning for my attention. It is HARD to share a person that you love. It’s understandable that they both want to feel that they are the most important and each very loved by me. This is more true than ever as we get ready to welcome a new baby. While I know with certainty that I could not love one child more than the other, that is a trickier concept for young children to understand. Attention = love in their minds, and they are keenly aware of the balance or imbalance of that attention each moment of each day.

While there are still plenty of “me first” arguments, I’ve found a few strategies that seem to help. Some of the strategies I’m sharing are preventative and can be implemented anytime. Other strategies are ones I use in the moment, when the arguing and competition is high.

1:1 Time

The best way to fill each child’s cup and make them feel uniquely loved is through 1:1 time with either me or my husband. While this can be a special outing together (such as going to the children’s theater as pictured below!), I find just as much benefit from small moments each day. This might be preparing a meal or playing a board game together while the other sibling is busy playing or reading a favorite story while the other is napping or already in bed. These short but sweet one-on-one times each day boost their confidence in our relationship, and let them know they are special to us.

The goal isn’t “equal”

One of the best ways to nurture the sibling friendship and reduce the rivalry is to not try to make everything fair or equal for them. Siblings are related but they are each very unique. Just as they prefer different breakfasts, they have different needs from me. While S craves lots of physical contact, D wants time to play board games and work alongside one another. I don’t have to give them the same thing to make each feel better. I simply have to meet each one where they are at.

Predictable Routines

The more we stick to a (semi) predictable routine, the more the kids thrive, especially together. The biggest meltdowns and sibling arguments happen when they are surprised and unsure of what’s coming. A good example of this is when I “surprise” them with a special treat. I get excited to share it with them and then before I know it, it’s all about who got the bigger piece and not at all about the joy of a treat. This is in contrast to our weekly predictable trip to the bakery or their favorite park, where they know what they will get and the same arguments don’t occur. Of course life is full of surprises, as it should be, but it’s helpful to keep in mind that surprises can lead to bigger feelings and fights, and to be emotionally prepared for it!

Let the Kids Solve it

Now that the kids are both preschool age (almost 3 and 5), I find I can help them move from competition to collaboration by letting them come up with solutions. For example, if they are arguing about who gets to feed the dog, I will say something like “You both really want to feed Kula, and she’s lucky to have two family members who want to help take care of her! How do you think you can both take care of Kula and still make sure she gets her dinner tonight?” In the past, the kids (often D) have suggested that one gets the food and one gets the water for Kula. They also decided to take turns feeding Kula at dinnertime and they keep track of whose turn it is each evening far better than I do. While I’ll admit letting them come to a solution on their own does not always work, it is such great practice for them to brainstorm and come up with solutions together.

Work as a Team

If we notice they are starting to argue often, we try to put the kids on the same team instead. This means coming up with activities where they are working towards a common goal. Rather than ask them to race each other to get ready, I might ask if they can work together to clean up all the little pieces before the song ends or if they can get in their car seats before I pack up the trunk. I often include myself in the team and help them out, modeling that we all work as a team. I even say “let’s work as a team to _____” which helps them think about our family or each other as a team. My husband is especially good at inventing big movement games where they try to beat a clock or even him instead of each other. I also really like cooperative board games for this reason - they are trying to win together.

Moving from competition to collaboration is as constant and challenging a practice for us adults as it is for kids. The less value we put on being first, the less the kids focus on being first. Simply being aware of this, combined with a sense of compassion and understanding for how difficult sharing a loved one is, can make the biggest difference of all.

Children's Audiobooks: What we Love

I’ve always been a fan of audiobooks. I love entering into another world while I cook, pull weeds, or go for a walk. About a year ago, I introduced children’s audiobooks to D, and it has opened up a whole new world for her as well. She requests to listen to audiobooks daily. While they don’t replace reading physical books together, they are a wonderful addition.

What makes an audiobook different than a picture book?

Imagination - When children hear a story without pictures, their imagination takes the lead.  They get to imagine where the story takes place and what the characters look like. They imagine their facial expressions based on their tone of voice, and the scene based on words alone. They hear different accents, inflections, and pitches of voices that help them imagine each distinct character. 

Free Hands - Audiobooks can be great for winding down before bed, looking out the window in the car, or simply cuddling on the couch and listening. They can also be a wonderful way to free up the hands to play or move around while listening. D, at age 4, can get really immersed in pretend play or art while she listens to a favorite story.

Scare Factor - I’ve also noticed that children who are more sensitive to sensory overload do better with audiobooks than tv shows and even certain picture books. This is because listening to a story involves fewer sensory inputs: it’s only sound. When we hear something without seeing it, it’s less scary or overwhelming. 

On that note, audiobooks can also be a great way to transition from reality-based stories to a little more fantasy. Not only does it lessen the scare factor, but listening to a story about animals who act and talk like humans doesn’t feel so different than if the characters were human - you almost forget they aren’t. 

Our Favorites

There are endless audiobook options, but I’ll share some of our favorites so far. I’ve found collections of short stories are the very best for my 4-year-old (and my 2-year-old enjoys listening too). Each story is just the right length to hold their attention, and the stories flow naturally from one to the next. This makes it easier on a long car ride, rather than me or them having to choose a new story every 5 minutes.

Some of our favorite audiobook collections are: Frog and Toad, Little Bear, Anna Hibiscus, Amelia Bedelia, Winnie the Pooh, Juana and Lucas, and Julia Donaldson stories. Many of these are great for older kids as well. This list is not exhaustive; there is an evergrowing variety of audiobooks to choose from.

We often try out audiobooks via the library or the Libby app. We purchase our favorites on Audible or on CD. We have a CD player in the car and at home, and it’s often easier than listening via my phone or other fancier devices. D very quickly figured out how to operate the CD player and loves the independence it provides. S is getting there!

There are also read-along books we pick up from the library that offer a different kind of experience. These are fun for non-readers and readers alike. The kids pick a few each time we visit the library. There are newer Vox books with built-in audio but my kids actually prefer the books with CDs. D loves turning the page each time she hears the little “ding!”

Podcasts are another great way to listen to story, but I’ll save that post for another day!

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Our Favorite Cooperative Board Games

We love cooperative board games in our house! Board games in general have been a great way to spend 1:1 time with D and also fun to play as a whole family on the weekends. Cooperative games in particular offer a great alternative to traditional early board games like shoots and ladders or candy land.

Cooperative board games shift the focus from competition between players to working together against the board. Working together as a team helps the kids practice their communication and planning skills, as well as patience in taking turns. This plays out in the real world too. These games even impact the types of imaginative games D comes up with when playing with S or her friends. 

I also find these games to be more enjoyable to play with the kids. They never end with “I win!” Or “I wanted to win!” Instead, we celebrate together, or simply try again! 

First Orchard

This is a great first cooperative board game, best for toddlers ages 2 and up. The goal of this game is to fill the basket with colored apples before the raven reaches the orchard. The rules are simple: roll the die and if you land on a color, move the corresponding color apple to the basket. If you roll the raven, move the raven one step towards the orchard. This game helps with color recognition, sorting, and learning how to take turns. I also appreciate that in this game designed for toddlers, the pieces are large and wooden rather than small and cardboard.  

Friends and Neighbors

This game says 3 and up but I’d say it’s best for ages 2 to 4. It has a sweet premise: to find the object that will help a friend or neighbor feel better. This ends up being mostly a matching game. The object of the game is to help all the friends before the stop sign fills up. Before the game starts, pick one board to fill together. Then take turns picking tokens out of the bag to see if the object on it helps someone on your shared board. If it does, you place it on your board; if not, you place it on the stop sign. It’s a simple game but starts some good conversations about community, helping, and emotions. 

Hoot Owl Hoot!

We don’t own this game but have heard wonderful things! This game is playable around age 3. This color-matching game doesn’t involve any reading, so it’s easy for even younger players to join in with a bit of assistance. In this game, the owls have ventured out during the night and want to fly home before sunrise. Take turns drawing cards and move an owl of your choice to the corresponding color on the board. When you draw a sunlight card instead of a color card, daylight draws a bit nearer. Everyone works together to move all of the owls home before daybreak. 

Snug as a Bug

This game has three levels of play, making it great for 3 to 5 year olds. The object of this game is to help all the little bugs under the rug before the three stink bugs “stink up the place”. Each bug has four attributes: a specific color, shape, number, and size of eyes. In the basic version, you choose one attribute to look for, e.g. shapes and in more challenging versions, you roll a die to pick a new attribute each turn. Then spin the spinner and take turns finding bugs that match the specific color/number/shape/size you landed on. If there aren’t any bugs that match, a stink bug appears. It’s a silly but fun game that incorporates a lot of key concepts for preschoolers! 

Their “Stink Bug” Faces :)

Stone Soup

This game says 5 and up but I would say it can be enjoyed by 4-year-olds too. It is essentially a game of memory but the added twists actually make it quite fun. The goal of the game is to fill the hot cauldron with ingredients before the fire goes out. To start, all the pieces go face down on the board (this includes pairs of ingredients, a magic stone, and fire cards). Take turns picking up two cards, looking for matches, and you can help each other in the process! When you find a match, you add it to the “soup”. If you pick up a fire card, you add it to the fire. It’s a race to find all the ingredient pairs before the last fire card! 

Baby Dinosaur Rescue 

This is another game that has different versions/levels so that it can be enjoyed at different ages, though I’d say 4 is a good starting age. The object of this game is to get all the baby dinosaurs to the island before the lava reaches them. This game involves both playing cards and the board. Each time you take a turn and play a card, you either move one of the baby dinosaur tokens forward on the path toward the island or get the lava closer to the valley. This game involves some strategy, as you figure out which baby dinosaur to move along the board and when to play certain cards from your hand. This is when collaborative games really shine, as you can help each other make decisions rather than competing alone! 

Outfoxed

This is the most advanced game of the bunch, but a 4-year-old can play and enjoy this with their grown-ups. In this game, a sneaky fox has stolen a pot pie and it’s up to you to work solving clues to solve the mystery of who is guilty This game involves a lot of pieces including a board, cards, dice, tokens, and figurines. Each round reveals a clue as to which of the foxes stole the pie based on what they are wearing or holding. There are fun surprises along the way and children love playing detective! I like that there isn’t anything scary about this “whodonit” game while still being a fun mystery to solve. 

These are the cooperative board games we have enjoyed in our family so far! I know there are many others, and I look forward to playing even more as our kids get older! What are your favorite board games to play with your kids right now?

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Hiking with Little Kids

One of my favorite memories from childhood is hiking. Though I know I didn’t enjoy every second of our hiking and camping adventures as a kid, I only remember the fun stuff: playing “hug a tree” with my sisters and finding the best hiking sticks with my dad.

Now that both the kids are good walkers, my goal this summer is to do at least one hike a week together. It can be intimidating to head out on a hike with kids at this age (especially when my husband isn’t able to join us), but I never regret it when we do. We are so lucky to live in the PNW where there are so many beautiful hikes just a short drive away.

S and D enjoy and benefit so much from these hikes. D is much more focused on the goal: getting to the destination (e.g. the beach or mountain top) than S is and she loves to check our field guides to identify plants and creatures along the way. They both love moving their body and pushing their physical limits. At the same time, they both make many stops along the way, to pick up tiny objects and notice small insects or flowers.

I also benefit from these hikes with them! Hiking is something I have enjoyed since before kids and I love getting to share it with the kids. It’s a form of self care for me too!

Hiking Tips

Let them take the lead! When we pick a kid-friendly hike and allow plenty of time, it’s more fun for us all. Children gain such confidence from getting to lead us on hikes rather than the other way around! While exploring new hikes is really fun, going back to old ones can be especially motivating for young children who feel more confident and capable there.

Take lots of breaks. Bring more water and snacks than you think you’ll need. I try to plan for one snack per hour plus a packed lunch for our destination. Breaks happen far more often than 1x per hour though. When we allow for lots of stops, we get to notice all the small things our children notice, such as hidden bugs, forts, or “bridges” or the sounds of birds in the trees above.

Bring a kid carrier. While S likes to walk as far as he can, he still needs breaks or even a short nap in the Deuter carrier. We used this for D up to age 3, but now, at almost 4, D is hiking the whole way on our 3-4 mile hikes. 

Have a destination in mind. The hikes don’t have to be “epic” for them to be enjoyable and rewarding. Toddlers find excitement in stumps, dirt, and hidden bugs. But it can be especially motivating for preschoolers to have a destination to hike to: a river to wade in, a beach, a great view, a waterfall or a field of wildflowers. This makes all the effort feel worthwhile and offers a new sensory and visual experience for the kids too. 

Quit while you’re ahead. Aka when your child is still happy! If you’re new to hiking, start small and flat. Build up from there as they become more accustomed to hiking. It’s okay to have a picnic lunch before the destination and decide to simply turn around!

What we Pack

This is crucial! I’ve learned the hard way. I have a google doc for packing lists, including half day hiking trips. Your packing list will vary depending on where you live and what kind of hike you are taking. Below you’ll find a few of our kid essentials for hiking. In addition to snacks, lunch, and water for the kids, don’t forget your own food and supplies too!