The Flexible Montessorian

Lately I’ve been asking myself what it means to be a “Montessori family”. It’s become clear, after almost 5 years of incorporating Montessori into my own parenting, that there is no one way to be a Montessori parent. How we incorporate Montessori into our families and homes looks different for everyone, and even looks different over time within one family. Parenting, Montessori or not, requires flexibility and being open to change. Life changes, and our positions and priorities do too. 

Some areas that we have changed course on over the course of parenting: 

Book Choice: When we started our Montessori journey at home, almost all of our books were based in reality. This was in line with the philosophy and it made sense to me. It still does, AND we have also found equal value, and importantly joy, in books featuring talking animals. I found when purchasing books based only in reality, I was limiting the diversity of authors and stories that exist in our home. I was also limiting the free choice my kids had when browsing at the library. Now that my daughter is closer to 5, she chooses many of her own books and often they involve fantasy too. If it scares her, she asks me to stop reading, and when she has questions, I answer honestly. I have found that widening our library has only opened more doors! 

Screen Time: When the kids were babies, it was easy for us to be a “screen-free family”. As they grew, and we entered into a global pandemic, our thoughts and rules on screens changed a bit. At one point, a screen became the only way to see their grandparents and D’s teacher/classmates. It also offered me a break on some very long and challenging days. Luckily with kids back in school and family visits more frequent, we don’t rely on screens as we did in Spring 2020. But we haven’t cut them out completely either. The kids get to watch about 30 minutes of shows each afternoon. This happens at the same time every day, so they know what to expect and don’t protest when it’s over. They watch on the family TV rather than tablets, so they have to agree on what to watch together. Screens in other forms such as a phone or tablet are a rarity. This is a balance that works for our family, and may look very different for another family. That’s okay! 

Toys: Another gradual shift in how we do or don’t incorporate Montessori at home has been our toy purchases. Whereas classic, primary-colored Montessori materials filled our shelves in infancy and early toddlerhood, our shelves now are quite a bit more colorful and busy. As we don’t homeschool, our focus is simply on play at home. This looks like a lot of board games, puzzles, and open-ended toys, many Waldorf-inspired. Toy rotations happen, but only every couple of months rather than every couple of weeks. 

Even Montessori schools can make changes and assess their curriculum based on the needs of their group of children. Our school recently made the switch from introducing cursive first to print letters first. I see sound arguments for both, and haven’t questioned their decision as I trust it was well thought out and discussed. While we started with cursive for D, it has been a rather seamless transition to learning print now at school. I am told she will work more on cursive writing in her kindergarten year. I appreciated the school’s willingness to adapt to current times or needs, and it served as a reminder that we can all do the same. 

At the end of the day, more of how we “do Montessori” remains the same. We apply Maria Montessori’s philosophy in our home in so many ways: how we talk to our children with respect, invite them in our day to day tasks, give them time and space to freely explore their interests, seek out real world experiences, and set up an environment to grow in independence and confidence. Rather than let the Montessori philosophy dictate our choices, we let it influence our life instead.

Transitioning from Naptime to Quiet Time

Many parents fear the day their child stops napping, and understandably so. Naps are a time of peace and quiet for parents and children alike. However, the end of naps doesn’t have to mean the end of rest. Rather, children can transition from nap time to quiet time.

D stopped napping quite early, around 2.5. She was getting a very long consolidated sleep at night (13 hours), so I knew she’d be okay sleep-wise but I also knew she needed some downtime to make it through the long day. As D was already often playing in her room instead of napping, it was a natural transition for us to simply call it “quiet time” instead of “nap time”. She turned this phrase into "home time" as she considers her bedroom her own little home. Since 2.5, she spends this time (1-1.5 hrs) in her room, with the door open, playing pretend with her dolls, animals, and tea set, and "reading" books. This is an important time for both of us to have quiet in the day, and come back together in the afternoon feeling refreshed.

Often the transition from a nap to quiet time isn’t so natural, but it’s still possible! If this is something you’d like to start but aren’t sure how, here are some tips for quiet time success: 

1. Enjoy a little one on one time first. Children need time together before they can feel ready to be apart. Spend a little time reading, playing, or enjoying a meal together, without any screens or distractions, prior to quiet time. 

2. Keep your routine consistent. Every transition is easier once it becomes part of your daily rhythm. Setting the expectation that quiet independent play will happen daily around the same time, will ensure a smoother change happens.   

3. Create a space that is special and cozy. Quiet time can happen in their bedroom or a shared space. Whichever you choose, make it a place they want to be. This might include a few favorite toys, books, comfy pillows, or even music or an audiobook. Make sure everything that they have with them is safe for them to use independently. 

4. Start small. This might mean 5-10 minutes to start. Explain how and where quiet time will happen and when you will be back. Make the first quiet time very short so they trust you and feel okay about it (if they are engrossed in play, quietly stand near their door and wait for them to look up. Let them know that they may join you when they feel ready but let them know there is no rush. Gradually add on 5 minutes at a time. How long quiet time lasts is really up to you and your child. 

5. Use visual cues. A helpful visual tool for children in quiet time is a time-to-rise light. When the light changes color, they know quiet time is over. We love our Hatch but there are others. Another option is a visual timer but this makes some children anxious, as they watch the clock slowly tick down.

It may take a bit of time to transition into this new routine, or it might be a seamless transition from nap time like it was for D. Either way, keeping your home quiet and choosing an activity for yourself that is calm and quiet will help create a restful atmosphere and give an opportunity for everyone to recharge each afternoon.

The Ups and Downs of Potty Learning

Spoiler alert: If you are hoping for how to potty train in 2 days, this is not the post for you! ;) We began “potty learning” when D was about 14 months old. You can read about how we began in this previous blog post, which helps explain the why’s and how’s of our method. Since then, I’ve been getting questions about how it’s going now, especially given that she is wearing underwear in many of our photos! Here is our potty learning update, at 19 months.

Though we have a potty set up for her in two bathrooms (one upstairs and one downstairs), she primarily uses the one downstairs, because that’s where she plays and we spend most of our time. It is a small half bath, but we’ve made it work! It’s worth it to squeeze the potty in this bathroom rather than just place it in the hallway, because it helps to familiarize her with the bathroom as the appropriate place to go. The potty we use is this one by Joovy Loo but many love the Baby Bjorn one, which is a little lower to the ground and is narrower.

Since we began 5 months ago, we’ve had many ups and downs, especially during sickness, travel, or developmental leaps. Luckily, having spent countless hours in the bathroom with toddlers as a teacher, this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Especially when starting at a young age, getting familiar with using the potty takes time, practice, and backwards steps (hopefully along with a few more forward steps). Despite what potty training books say, it doesn’t usually happen over the course of a weekend. The good news is it also doesn’t have to require bribes, punishments, or being stuck in the house for three days.

Over the past few months, D has been wearing underwear more and more. She exclusively wears underwear at home, except when she sleeps. Now that she’s able to control her bladder more, she also wears underwear for short outings. We skipped pull-ups all together, because I find they are a confusing mix of diapers and underwear. The big benefit of underwear over diapers/pull-ups is that toddlers can feel that they are wet, and typically, they don’t want to be. Our favorite underwear are these ones made by Kickee Pants. They are pricey but hold up well, even being washed over and over again! We also have a set of these thicker undies, but they don’t fit as well and are possibly too absorbent. At home, she often wears these without pants because it makes it easier for her to help take them off and sit independently/quickly.

While we started off by inviting D to use the potty, we’ve now moved on to posing it as a statement. “It’s time to sit on the potty now”. This works best once it becomes a routine. She knows that after mealtimes, before bed, and before outings, she sits on the potty. She doesn’t typically resist those times. However, if I ask her to sit on the potty before eating, or right after nap, she resists, because it’s not part of her routine (yet). She doesn’t have to sit for long, but she knows she has to try. Other times, she’ll tell me she has to go, or walk to the bathroom herself. I can’t count on that consistently yet though!

Our best friend in all this is books. D gets to pick her book of choice before walking to the bathroom. We also keep a few books for her to choose from in a basket there. It’s a good excuse for me to stop what I’m doing and simply read with her. She always points out when she’s made a pee or poo on the potty and then we dump it into the toilet. She gets to pick out a pair of underwear (I keep 2 or 3 choices out at a time), and I help her get them back on. Then we wash our hands together. She is getting more independent in this process each week.

When she does have an accident, we go to the bathroom, take off her wet underwear, and if just a little wet, she puts them in a small laundry bin. Then she sits and we start the process of sitting/re-dressing. I don’t make a big deal of it if she is wet, and I definitely don’t make her feel bad about it. I say “It looks like you are wet. Let’s go to the bathroom and get dry.” She usually points out that she’s peeing or she’s wet before I say anything, and wants to get dry underwear on.

Next up is tackling our longer adventures away from home. Though she currently still wears diapers for those outings, I am finding recently that she can stay dry longer. To transition away from diapers, I’m planning to buy a few of these underwear covers, so that she can still feel wet, while not soaking through her clothes. I also plan to keep a potty in the back of our car. Updates to come, hopefully before this next baby arrives, and we will most definitely hit another regression! ;)

* Update (April, 21 months): No longer in diapers for outings! Only for sleep. She does well with this travel potty and always keeping an extra pair of underwear in the bag and car. We definitely have more accidents out and about than at home (routine thrown off), but getting there!

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